


the uncertainties of sexuality

by danhoweiis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Sexuality, Sexuality Crisis, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 17:30:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19381417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danhoweiis/pseuds/danhoweiis
Summary: “For me, having a label means having to be that thing and maybe sometimes I don’t want to be that thing but how on earth can I explain that to them when all I have to do is talk about a cute boy or something and suddenly I’m a bisexual icon when I’m not...not that.”





	the uncertainties of sexuality

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy okay. so i wrote most of this in july 2018 because i had some of my own thoughts i wanted to project through dan (lol) i've always related to his views of No Labels and not fitting into these boxes society has and thus this fic was born.
> 
> then dan uploaded his video this month and i remembered i wrote this and went back to it and decided to finish it.
> 
> (also thank u to my shining star [fizz](https://twitter.com/tayIuvr) for beta'ing this <3)

**2009**

It wasn't the actual coming out to his parents that he was worried about. He knew in his head his mum would most likely be fine with it. His dad might take a little persuading but on the whole he was sure they would be okay with having a- a what was the question now on Dan's mind. Even before he'd started talking to Phil he knew he had some attraction to boys. They were inarguably attractive with their toned bodies and bright smiles and if Dan spent a little too long admiring the men that worked in Topman when he went in to “browse" for clothes then who was to know. 

It was a few months after he'd started talking to Phil that he'd stayed up till 2am just thinking and deliberating. He thought boys were attractive, he thought girls were attractive. It would be so easy to just slap the label “bisexual” on him and have done but there was something about it that just didn't sit right with Dan.

It was then that he'd spent 2 hours on Google, searching every possible sexuality and every possible definition he could find to try and find someone somewhere who felt how he did. But nothing.

And so that was why he was here now, wide awake at 2am (again) after just finishing a 3 hour Skype call with Phil, filled with unnecessary stress about what to say to his parents. He felt it would be lying to tell them he was gay. He clearly wasn't gay. He knew on some level he still had an attraction to girls. He almost envied the people he read stories about online and had watched videos of who found it so easy for them to come out to their parents and say “hey mum I'm gay!” or “mum, dad, I'm bisexual!”

His head was throbbing and he rolled onto his side with the hopes of getting some sleep. At least whilst he was sleeping he didn’t have to think about anything.

-

“How did you know you were gay?” Dan had been building up to ask Phil that for the past hour and in the end he just spat it out.

“Uh...I guess I just realised I didn’t feel the same about girls as I did boys. My friends would talk about kissing girls and I just wasn’t interested.” He shrugged as if it was the most casual thing in the world. Like it was so easy to just decide one day you didn’t like girls.

“What about you?” 

Dan had zoned out and hadn’t even realised Phil was speaking to him. “Wh-what, sorry. Did you say something?”

Phil just chuckled, “Yeah, I asked how you knew you were gay...or liked guys,”

“Oh, just sort of happened I guess. Brendon Urie mostly,” He chuckled.

Phil adjusted his position on the other end of the screen and nodded. “I’m with you on that one.”

Dan didn’t respond and stayed silent. Why did this all have to be so hard?

“Dan? Everything alright?” Phil asked, his crackly voice coming through the speakers of Dan’s laptop.

“I don’t know what I am Phil,” Dan responded after a few seconds.

“You mean like your personality or…”

“No my sexuality. I...don’t know where I fit. I spent 3 hours the other night googling and searching trying to find something somewhere that matched how I feel and…”

Phil watched Dan through his screen and smiled reassuringly, “You’ll figure it out eventually. Everything will work out, I promise.”

Dan knew Phil was only trying to help but what he’d said had in fact not helped at all. Of course Dan wasn’t going to be that bitch and tell Phil that his advice was terrible. So instead he just smiled and mumbled his gratitude as that tiny, niggling voice in the back of his head whispered ‘ _what if you never figure it out?’_

-

“You know Phil?”

“Yes Dan, funnily enough I do.” His mother jibed.

“Well...we’re, I mean he...he’s my boyfriend mum.”

“I see.”

“What...is that it? That’s all you’re gonna say?”

“I don’t know how stupid you think I am Dan.”

“You mean you knew?”

“Well not quite. Your dad and I talked about it, we skirted around the topic so it doesn’t really come as a surprise.”

“Bu-but how did you guess?” Dan queried.

“You realise that you mentioned Phil at least once at every family meal we’ve had for the past couple of months?” She said, turning to look at Dan properly. “You didn’t even talk about your previous girlfriend that much.” She chuckled.

Dan was at a loss for words and simply leant back against the kitchen counter and looked down at the floor.

“Me and your dad are okay with it, you don’t need to worry about us kicking you out to live on the street.” She chuckled.

Dan let out a light chuckle and smiled slightly, looking down at his feet.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“No, yeah, yeah I’m fine mum. Uh...thanks. For being so cool about all this.” He said, his voice shaking slightly. 

“I still like girls you know, I’m not...not gay or anything,”

“Okay.” His mum responded sweetly.

“I just like Phil now, but I might like a girl in the future, not that I’m thinking of dumping Phil or anything but…”

“Dan-” His mum interrupted. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself to me or your dad.”

Dan swallowed the rest of his words and looked at her silently. He suddenly felt a slight pang of guilt for assuming she would be anything but accepting of him. 

-

“How’d it go?” Phil asked over Skype later that night, his mouth filled with popcorn.

“Good...it went- actually it went really well. I feel guilty actually for judging that she’d kick me out onto the street.” He chuckled.

“You don’t look like it went well?” 

“No, no it did. She uh- she wasn’t surprised...she was really chilled about it. Didn’t even bat an eyelid.”

“That’s good though right?”

“I wanted her to be surprised. I mean, what does that say about me? Do I give off..gay vibes or something?”

At those words there was a knock on the door and Dan’s dad pushed open the door and peeked in.

“Hi, your mum just told me about you and uh...and Phil. I’m happy for you.”

“Oh, th-thanks dad.”

His dad smiled back at him, the silence was honestly unbearable. Just when Dan thought he was going to literally implode his dad cleared his throat and spoke.

“You’ll have to get Phil to come over so we can meet him properly. That’d be nice.” He said.

A smile grew on Dan’s face and he felt a sudden rush of warmth. “Yeah, yeah totally. I’ll ask him.”

His dad nodded and shuffled awkwardly out of the room as Dan pulled his headphones back on.

“Everything okay?” Phil said, another handful of popcorn making its way to his mouth.

“Yeah. Just my dad...mum told him.”

“He seemed okay about it.”

“Probably the nicest thing he’s ever said to me.” Dan scoffed, looking down at a loose thread on his sleeve and picking at it nervously.

“Dan...it’s alright.” Phil reassured. “Look, why don’t we talk about something else? I got a new high score on Mario today.”

Dan tried to listen. He was glad just to hear Phil’s voice as he thought about everything. He’d told them about Phil, they knew Phil was his boyfriend. 

-

**2018**

“God, I don’t know, you’d just think after 8 years of having a boyfriend and being with someone I’d have figured it out by now.”

“Well, not everything is quite as clear cut as you want it to be. You’re holding yourself up to some very high expectations which I know, and you know, you can’t reach.”

Dan sighed and slumped back in his chair. “I guess. It’s just...I just feel like I’m pretending sometimes. Or that what I’m feeling isn’t true.”

“You’ve been with Phil what, 8 years did you say? I think Dan, if he had any doubt of your feelings he would have brought it up by now. The evidence that he hasn’t makes it apparent that he knows you and trusts you.”

Dan grumbled in acknowledgement. Of course, rationally, he knew what Melissa was saying was true he just couldn’t shake that niggling doubt in the back of his head that maybe he didn’t really love Phil. Maybe him and Phil were just supposed to be friends and nothing more and these feelings he had were just his way of trying to fit in. Who with he didn’t quite know just yet.

“Dan, is there a particular reason you want to label yourself? You’ve been seeing me for quite a while now and nothing like this has come up before, I just question now why you’ve brought it up now?”

“Oh...this and that. A couple of offhand comments I made, a couple of fans calling me bisexual. Phil said just to ignore it but when it’s right there in front of you on a screen it’s sort of hard to forget.”

“So you want a label for your fans? So your fans know what to identify you as?”

Dan leaned forward in his chair and looked up at the ceiling, thinking. “I suppose in a way, I guess what I’m really looking for is just an answer. So if they ask, or they speculate there's a clear cut answer I can give to shut down any questioning. Them questioning if it’s just a phase or if I really do love Phil ya’ know?”

“Like I said before though, you can’t give them what you don’t have? I think you want a way for people to categorise you, and yet that’s not how you view your life or yourself. From what I’ve learnt about you, the idea of society or a friend or family member labelling you and placing you in a box is your worst nightmare.”

Dan couldn’t help but laugh at the irony. “Yeah...yeah you’re right.”

There was a silence between them, Melissa watching Dan carefully. “What are you thinking now?”

Dan chuckled. He wishes he wasn’t so easy to read. “Just thinking about how it’s bullshit that all I have to do is tell someone I have a boyfriend and automatically I’m gay. No two ways about it, I’m gay and I like dick.”

Melissa chuckled at that, Dan was not one to mince his words.

“Do you see that as a bad thing?”

“Well no, but yeah? Kind of? I’ve definitely found girls attractive before, I wouldn’t say I was 100% gay. But am I too gay to call myself bisexual? And then we just come full circle and I’m confused again.” 

“You’re a smart guy Dan and you don’t need me to tell you that sexuality is fluid and changes from day to day. Maybe you just need to embrace that and confront it?”

Oh if only it was that easy.

-

“How was therapy today?”

“Same old.” Dan replied as he slung his backpack on the floor next to the couch and sat down next to Phil. He fiddled with the zip on his jacket and stared absentmindedly at the blank TV.

“You sure everything is okay?” Phil asked.

“It’s fine Phil.” He replied sharply.

Phil knew better than to press Dan when he was feeling like this so he smiled slightly at him and turned back to his laptop. 

Dan turned his attention to the TV where some repeat of a home renovation programme was playing. Dan stared at the screen blankly, not absorbing the content but letting his post therapy thoughts collect in his brain.

“Will you come on a walk with me?” Dan asked after 5 minutes.

Phil closed his laptop. “Sure. I’ll get my coat.”

Luckily they lived close to a park. There was a gravel path going around it in a circle and whenever his thoughts got too big for the flat Dan would come out and walk here. Something about the repetition of walking in a circle for an hour or so helped his thoughts flow. 

The sky was dull and gloomy meaning the park was near empty as they strolled around it. It was 5 minutes before Dan spoke.

“I talked about labels...a-and my sexuality.” Dan said apprehensively.

Phil hummed his approval, urging Dan to continue.

“It’s like, you’d think being with you would offer some certainty or bring some comfort but instead it just makes me more confused. I don’t know where I stand. And then there’s all of them. People out there putting labels to my name without even asking if that’s what I want.”

Phil wasn’t sure what to say. Didn’t know which words would make things better or which ones would cause the conversation to crumble.

“For me, having a label means having to be that thing and maybe sometimes I don’t want to be that thing but how on earth can I explain that to them when all I have to do is talk about a cute boy or something and suddenly I’m a bisexual icon when I’m not...not that.”

“Why don’t you just ignore them then? You’ll only rile them up if you start addressing what they’re calling you.”

“Wow thanks Phil, didn’t think about that.” He snapped.

Phil stared at him for a few seconds. You’d think after 8 years together he’d know the right thing to do and yet he didn’t know what to say to ease the tension in the air.

Dan sighed. “Sorry…” It wasn’t Phil’s fault he didn’t understand the intricate workings of Dan’s brain.

“You know I can’t just ignore them? I know they’re all just a bunch of faceless names and I don’t know them but...I’ve grown up with them watching my every move and it’s hard to just not care about how they see me.”

Phil stayed silent. His way of showing Dan it was okay to keep talking.

“It would all just be so much easier if I could find something to define who I am or at least be more comfortable with not having a label attached to every inch of my personality. I just want to be a...a formless blob in the universe with no expectations and I can just float along at my own pace doing my own thing and not feel pressured by society to be something I’m not.”

It wasn’t the first time Dan had talked about this. It had come up many times before but this was the first time he’d spoken about it in so much detail. Phil just wanted to give him all the answers laid out for him where it would be easy and stress free but unfortunately life wasn’t that simple.

“I know you don’t need me to tell you this, but you don’t have to have a label. You don’t have to define yourself as anything. Just you being Dan is enough.” 

Dan shrugged and shoved his hands into the pocket of his coat. “Just wish that was enough for me.”

-

**2019**

“Queers a good word don’t you think?” Dan asked into the quiet room. It was past midnight and they’d both just crawled into bed after a Sunday evening watching _Queer Eye._

“I guess?” Phil said, turning onto his side to look across at Dan. “Thought you didn’t like labels though Mr Non-Conforming?”

“I don’t. But...it’s nice to just have a word to describe your feelings. So if someone asked me I'd have an answer and wouldn’t have to rant to them for 10 minutes about how restrictive labels can be and does anyone really fit into one label 100%.”

“But rambling about your thoughts is your best quality.” Phil said with a chuckle. “What’s got you thinking about this anyway?” He asked.

“I don’t know...watching Queer Eye earlier. Something empowering about watching five men just be completely at ease with who they are and embrace their sexualities.”

“You don’t know that they’re completely at ease though do you?”

“Wha-well...guess not.” Dan said with a shrug.

“Just because their life seems great on screen doesn’t mean it is. You of all people should know that.”

“Yeah okay Phil. I don’t need a counselling session right now.” He didn’t mean for it to come across as bluntly as it did but there was a still a bite to his tone that Phil wasn’t expecting.

“I’m just saying, you don’t need to have everything figured out just ‘because you think everybody else does.”

“The rational part of my brain knows that but unfortunately he’s not here at the moment. He’s gone on a long holiday to Hawaii.”

Phil chuckled at that. “At least its warm there, might get a tan.”

Dan lips curled up at that and he allowed himself to smile.

He turned to look at Phil. Beautiful, wonderful Phil who had never once judged Dan for anything. Had only ever played the role of fully supportive boyfriend to his utmost best.

“Maybe we should go to Hawaii then, you might get a tan.” He said, reaching out to stroke his fingers across Phil’s almost translucent arm.

“You like my vampire-like qualities.”

“Hmm, I don’t know. I think I'd like a tanned boyfriend with a 6 pack much better.”

“Absolute bullshit and you know it.”

Dan gasped mockingly. “A swear, from AmazingPhil’s lips? Unheard of!”

“Shut the heck up.”

Dan leant forward and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Maybe later, this queer lad needs some sleep.” he said as he snuggled himself under the duvet, pulling it right up to his chin.

“Does the queer lad need a cuddle too?”

“Obviously.” Dan replied as Phil came behind him to spoon him. His arm wrapped over Dan’s waist and their thighs fit perfectly together.

Dan closed his eyes, thoughts and questions about his sexuality boxed up for the night, ready to be opened another day. It was a small comfort knowing that whatever he was or wasn’t he had the certainty of Phil. Fuck societies definitions of gay or bisexual and the expectations that came with it. For now he was happy, here in the arms of the one thing he hadn’t doubted for a second. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments are appreciated!  
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/danhoweIIs)


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